i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
