I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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