Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
