You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
