I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
