Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was confusing and full of hummus
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
