Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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