well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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