Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Drake has all the answers
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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