try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
