After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
