What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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