God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
