I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
