I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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