I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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