Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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