Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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