Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
