I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
