Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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