Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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