Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
