Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
