I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
