I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
