I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My feet surprised me
Randomize
