he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize