WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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