just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
