my vag is so smooth its legendary
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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