the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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