She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
