I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
