worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
