Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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