If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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