I think my fart just growled at me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
