If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize