At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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