I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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