I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
