I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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