My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You dont lie about slip and slides
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
