I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That accounts for only three of the penises
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
