The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
