my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
