There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
