your thong is hanging out like whoa
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
