When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Your penis caused this!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
