I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
