My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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