why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize