u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
