I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
