im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
