the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
