Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
