I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize