wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
