I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
