highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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