My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
